Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Been on a long voyage...

I've been busy for the past ouple of weeks, so my blog has been slightly neglected. But fear not! I shall soon be back with a late vValentines Day entry (you didn't think I would let that oppertunity go did you?)

~The Redneck Viking

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

A real redneck story.

The following story was told to me by one of the carpenters who was working on my roof. I have translated it from redneck to english, partly because it's easier to read that way, but mostly becasue I can't be bothered to write it in dialect.

The story starts out at a party, and at this party there was a problem, the keg had just run out. Now the only guy with the car (lets call him Steve) was busy trying to get laid, so he gave his keys to his friend Dave. Dave and a few other guys took Steve's van and drove to the local Wal-Mart to get the keg refilled (I'm not just inserting a generic buisness name here, you can actually get a keg refilled at Wal-Mart.)

With a keg full of beer, everyone piled in the van and headed back to the party. On the way back, as the came around a bend in the road, they clipped a deer. They barely hit it, there wasnt a scratch on the car, but the deer was lying down on the road in front of the car. Now as amazingly stupefying as the next part of the story sounds, you'll have to take my word that it actually happened (hey this wouldn't be a redneck story without something involding a dead deer right?). Dave and his friends got out of the car, picked up the deer and put it in the back of the van.

When they got back to the party and unloaded the keg, Steve and made some signifigant progress with a girl, and took her outside to show her the back of his van (if you take my meaning). Dave and his friends were so happy for Steve (he was still a virgin), that they forgot to tell him about the dead deer they had put in the back of his van. Steve and the girl stumbled their way into the back of the van (obviously too inebriated to notice the dead looking deer lying in the back.)

After a few seconds the van started rocking back and forth, and a considerable ammount of noise was emanating from the back (or as it's referred to down here "hootin an' a hollerin'").
Dave and his friends were watching this spectacle, saying to theirselves, "Boy I bet Steve is having the time of his life!" when all the sudden...


The rear doors flew open, and out came Steve and the girl, completly naked and running for their lives. Bounding after them came the now revived deer, which chased them down the street and out of sight of the partygoers. Needless to say, Steve never made it with the girl.

~The Redneck Viking

Friday, February 03, 2006


I just bashed the holy living shit out of my right big toe. Now its bleeding everywhere and theres a big crack down the middle of the nail. I just thought you all would like to know that.

How to put on a new roof, in 500 difficult steps.

Today turned out to be rather interesting. As some of you may know, the reason im stuck in Florida untill march rolls around is because a couple of nasty hurricanes ran right over my house and I have to fix it. So right now the new and improved (we hope) roof is being put on, and the process has been somewhat difficult. First we (by we I mean me, my mom and my two sisters) had to find someone to draw up the blueprints for the new roof. Then we had to obtain a permit from the city building department, and we all know how plesant government workers are. After that was done (a one year process, no joke) we were ready for the new roof to go on. We met with the roofing company rep, a very nice, well dressed man of about 25 who oddly reminded me of Charlie Brown. He explained how the roof went on, and in my mind, I saw the whole operation running smooth as silk. A perfectly orchestrated crew of Charlie Browns putting on my new roof, unfortunatly that wasnt exactly how it happened.

First came the contractors, whose job it was to frame the new roof. We actually managed to scare most of the crew away, and ended up with only two guys working. This part of the story is actually the happiest, the two guys were very nice and one of them gave me a story that I will tell you another time, but it's deffinitely worth waiting for.

Then Charlie Brown came back and told us that he was sending over a "stripping crew". Much to my dismay this did not mean that i would get to oversee a crew of scantily clad, supermodel like roofers, these were just the guys that stripped the old shingles off. This wouldn't have been nearly as entertaining if they hadn't been using pitchforks to take the shingles off. Yes you heard me right, pitchforks.

Then came the "membrane crew" (what's with these names?) These guys were responsible for putting on peel-and-stick (for those of you that don't know, it's a type of tar paper with sticky adhesive on one side, thereby eliminating the need for nails) and basically make sure there were no places the roof could leak (they should be fired by the way).

Once again Charlie Brown graced us with his presence, this time to introduce the "metal crew". I should mention at this point why these various crews diddnt match my initial mental image of this project. Every crew he sent over, with the exception of this one, consisted of one redneck, and about eight mexicans, none of whom spoke english. This new group of guys comprised of 5 mexicans, and once again, none of them spoke english. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not prejeduce at all, but if these are going to be the guys responsible for my roof, I want at least one of them to speak my language.

So thats where I am right now. I have half of my roof covered with brand new metal panels, and half with leaky peel-and-stick. I've even developed a form of communication to speak with the workers. I come out waving my arms and yelling, and that means, "You just cut another hole in my new roof!" They respond to this by nodding, yelling "OK" and then cutting another hole.

Anyway it rained inside the house today and that prompted me to share my unique expierence with you. Either tomorrow or later tonight I'll have another rather unique story for you, till then.

~The Redneck Viking

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

"Ready 11:14pm"

Whats that you say? You want a good movie to watch? Well then The Redneck Viking has just the thing. "11:14" is a twisted tale about a car crash that happens at 11:14pm, told from the perspective of six different people. How twisted you ask? Let me put it this way, 11:14 makes Jules and Vincents ordeal in Pulp Fiction look like a walk in the park. And to top all that off, it's got Hilary Swank, and that has to count for something. Whether you're into the whole time warp thing or not, this movie is a deffinite must see.

~The Redneck Viking

Who is The Redneck Viking? - Stuck in Hell

So since it looks like I'm going to be posting on here for a while, I should let you know a little more about me. If you know me, then chances are you row, or know someone who does. You would also know then that crew is the single greatest sport in the world, but I'll talk more about that later. I stand about six foot one, blond hair, blue eyes, and a charm that women find irresistable ;)

As of right now I'm stuck in a purgatory known as Florida trying to get a roof on my hurricane tattered house. I know what youre thinking, "Stuck in Florida? That can't possibly be a bad thing." Let me assure you, it is.

The particular section of Hell im dwelling in right now is called Vero Beach. It consists of 49% elderly, 49% rednecks, and 1% me. The elderly population is mostly rich people from Glen Cove (the kind of people you go to places like this to get away from). Next are the rednecks who, I am sad to say, I am partially kin to (half of my family hails from good 'ol Alabama), hence the name. The other 1% is a unique species of inbread human like creatures which I consider proof of the fact that this is actually Hell.

Fortunatly for me, I will be out of this purtgatory on March 1st, and back in the Big Apple. Till then I'll keep spewing forth an array of candid rants, and commenting on lifes various oddities and regularities.

~The Redneck Viking