Stephen Lynch on Comedy Central, enjoy.
~The Viking
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5am? 20 degrees? Rain? Wind? Sleet? Oh yeah, I'm there.
Mike: We're the Krew Krux Klan!
Oprea: Mike, is the stern supposed to be that far under the water?
Megan: Andrew I need you to come to my house and fix my computer.
Josh: Isn't there a porno that starts out like that?
Me: Yeah I have that one!
Sarah: Yo soy queso!
Josh: I AM CHEESE!
Me and Mike: Eggplant.
Sharon: STOP!
Caitlin: You could use a pickle too.
Sarah: No way, pickles are too small.
Caitlin: No trust me, some pickles are huge!
Mike: GIIRRRLLL!!! It's only... AAAAAAAANNAAALL!!! It wont be that sore, it wont hurt that bad.... TOMORROW!...GIRRRL...
Alex: Fuck you, YOU swallow it!
Mike: So how old are you?
Noel: 14
Mike: ...
Justin: Yo every time you go out on the water, it's like Thailand part 2!
Mike: Ha.
Me: Hey what's it called if you get raped by a dog?
Oprea: Well rape by definition defines one human forcibly taking another. So what's it called when a dog violently knocks you down, rips off your clothes and penetrates you? That would be assault.
Matt: I walked in at the wrong part of this conversation.
Sharon: I'd rather be sucked on than squished
Josh: Hey Travis are you a Yankees or a Mets fan?
Me: I don't watch football.
Sharon: How many baby wipes do you need in the first three months after birth?
Mike: I shoved three down my baby's throat to kill it, so three.
Lieve: Mmmm, nice and hard.
Coach: You guys look like a bunch of monkeys trying to fuck a football.
Clai: Yo guys, the next time that there are parents up here, first one to get a mom in bed gets $100.
Me: Nauman, shut the fuck up.
Alain: I'm Alain! I can do anything!
Alain: Jamie, can I call that guy gay?
Jamie: Yes.
Nauman: When he got re-elected I was like, 'oh man, here goes the world' and then BOOM! There went the world.
Tae: FUCK, SHIT, BITCH, FUCKING CUNT FAG ROCK BITCH, FUCKING SHIT, MOTHER FUCKER, FUCKING TWAT!
Walter: He's a peterass Dude.
Donny: Whats a peterass Walter?
Walter: Shut the fuck up Donny.
Lisa: Promise me you'll never die.
Gary: You know I can't promise that.
Lisa: If you did that, I would make love to you right now.
Gary: I promise I'll never die.
Gary: We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong Il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from ass holes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let us fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!
Vincent: Want some bacon?
Jules: No man, I don't eat pork.
Vincent: You Jewish?
Jules: Nah, I ain't Jewish, I just don't dig on swine, that's all.
Vincent: Why not?
Jules:Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals.
Vincent: But bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.
Jules: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit, that's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense enough to disregard its own feces.
Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces.
Jules: I don't eat dog either.
Vincent: Yeah but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?
Jules: Well I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but it's definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way.
Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?
Jules: Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charmin' motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?
Jules: A foot massage is nothin', I give my mother foot masages.
Vincent: It's laying your hands in a familiar way on his new wife. Is it as bad as eating her pussy out? No. But it's the same ballpark.
Jules: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.
Vincent: It's not. It's the same ballpark.
Jules: Ain't no fuckin' ballpark neither. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in the Holiest of Holies, ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Look, foot massages don't mean shit.
Vincent: Have you ever given a foot massage?
Jules: Psh, don't be tellin' me about foot massages. I'm the foot fuckin' master.
Vincent: Given a lot of 'em?
Jules: Shit yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be ticklin' or nothin'.
Vincent: Would you give a guy a foot massage?
Jules: ...Fuck you.
Vincent: You give them alot?
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: You know, I'm getting kinda tired. I could use a foot massage myself.
Jules: Man, you best back off, I'm gittin' a little pissed here.
Cop: This is Deputy Chief Dwayne T. Robinson, and I am in charge here.
John McClane: Oh you're in charge? Well I got news for you *Dwayne*, from up here it doesn't look like you're in charge of jack shit.
Cop: You listen to me you little asshole.
John McClane: Asshole? I'm not the one who just got butt-fucked on national TV, *Dwayne*.
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